Where the hell...

My manager told a co-worker that she thinks I'm faking being sick.

Just one more thing making me regret the move to a new branch.

I am really insulted by this, it's like she's questioning my honesty. If I were to fake being sick (which I haven't done since 8th grade!) wouldn't I call out? Make it worth something to me? What the hell would be the point of faking at work? I never asked to go home because that's not what I do! unless I have a fever or am puking my guts up (lovely picture eh?) I am at work, on time and doing my best. For Christ's sake, I honestly want to do something devious and disgusting and cough all over her stuff, or better yet be petty and after I blow my nose show her the tissue. Where the Hell does she get off?

Why am I like this?

I don't understand why I let my feelings get hurt so often. I suppose you could say it stems from my "younger" days of trying so very very hard to make sure I got along with everyone; and for the most part I did. As I get older I've started to stop trying so hard, because it always seemed like I was the only one putting any effort into any relationship I had.

I have felt hurt because friends never call, because of the way I'm treated at work and right down to the heart of things: My Family. It's this last hurt I'm here to talk about today. I am the middle of 5 children, two older brothers, a younger sister and a younger brother. I'm sure I'll get to stories of the boys later, but for today it is my sister this little blurb is about.

I wish I were her. plain and simple, she's gorgeous and smart, tall and slim, writes like a dream and has had so many opportunities that I would kill for. Every time I'm around her I feel what few smart cells I have slipping away. What hurts me though, is whenever she's around me, I feel as though she's laughing at me. it's in her tone, her looks, everything. I love my little sister so much and I don't think she realizes how much she hurts me. I am jealous, lets be clear on that from the start. She's off on an amazing adventure studying abroad right now, partially because she is so damn smart, and partially because she was lucky enough to have my boyfriend co-signer for school. Sometimes I'm shallow enough to wish he had done it for me instead, so I could be getting the education at a "real" college like I've always wanted. I'm disgusted with myself for feeling that way.

There was once a time that she looked up to me, a time many years ago. I don't feel as though she cares anymore, I have driven her where she needs, picked her up and brought her to Florida. I would be there, here, anywhere in a heartbeat if she needed me to be. Yet, on her side I have been replaced with friends, which is fine. I know she doesn't talk to me like she used to, I just feel so lonely in my life right now. I have never felt so emotionally lost and miserable then I have lately, and it hurts to see her talk to others and not me. She is so so far away and has limited access to the Internet and phone, this I also know. But she had the time to leave word for others...why not me? never me. I wish I could understand why I need her to need me so much, to be a sister to me, to want me to be a sister to her...

Only time will tell...

I am not a perfect person, I have made my share of mistakes. I can garauntee that mine are not the worst made, nor the smallest. I can also garauntee that I'm not the only one to make them. One thing I have to help me through these mistakes and the aftermath, is that I see the things I've done wrong and try as quick as I can to fix them and be forgiven in the process. I have been told one too many times that I forgive and forget much too easily. I wont argue that, but there are times I try so very hard to be forgiven and it never happens. The times, for instance, that I've been in the wrong and hurt someone I care about so very much. I know I've hurt alot of people in the past for stupid reasons. One of my closest friends in highschool (so close, I lived with her for most of my senior year) I said something very mean about her. Uncalled for, petty and to this day I can't believe i said it. I know why I did, but that didn't make it right then, or today. That thing I said was the end of our friendship, I tried everything to get her to forgive me, but to no avail. I still browse her myspace page every now and then and see how she's doing; married and happy with a beautiful baby in Tennessee as of today. I really wish her the best, and all the happiness in the world. She deserves it, and I think I'll always wish to be forgiven, I miss my friend...

Then there are the times in which I know I'm right and it was the other person who hurt ME...and I almost always USED to forgive and forget. Almost two years ago a friend hurt me, very badly, didn't see what she did as wrong when I confronted her she proceeded to spread even more hurtful things about me. That I must say, was a turning point for me. Instead of reaching out to people, and bringing them into my life, I have been more reclusive. I hate that it changed me so much. But if a friend that I thought was so close does that, and doesn't see what she did wrong what would other people do? At least when I hurt my friend, I saw what an asshole I was... I don't think I'll ever understand why people hurt each other, for any reason. It messes with your head. I doubt anyone I have ever hurt will ever read this...but if you do...know that I am so so sorry. Reflection does wonders for the soul...

"Hate me today.Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you..."

In other words...

As the roar of my boyfriend's snowmobile filled my ears this past Sunday night, I thought in vain about why I was doing such a thing again. It's no secret that I can't stand being cold or that snow and I aren't the best of friends. Don't get me wrong, I love the look of it; I love the way it glimmers in the starlight. I love the calm that just IS during a snow fall, when you can just lay on your back and watch it fall in the glow of the street lamps. I can certainly drive in it, partially due to my wonderful Jeep. Then there is the other side of it... The frigid,biting and bone chilling cold that penetrates to my soul, the damp that pierces me through each and every layer of my skin. It is those trademarks that made me wonder why I was back to gripping tightly around His waist while flying through the woods. Then came the puddles...yes...the puddles of water, on the trail, on the SNOW and ICE covered trail...through which we proceded to drive through. Repeatedly. I'm STILL cold thinking about the way the wind, the snow, and the water all combined to torture, untill I could hardly speak with cold. I am simply drowning in misery in the winter time; my body, heart and soul dream nightly of being warm again. The dreams often bring me back to the Caribbean, where I felt so at home...it is a place of longing for me. I don't know what spawned this rant, not hatred, but the uncomfortable way I simply exsist from November to April. Am I crazy? I was born and raised in this state so it's not like I haven't been exposed to it plenty of times. I loved it when I was little, things have changed a bit since then. I just can't seem to be happy anymore. In other words...please come back summer...

XoXo C.Blues

Starting Fresh...

The begining of a new year. It is time to try new things and live a little differently then years past, ever adjusting and trying to be a better person. At least that's what I try to do with the start of yet another year.As insignificant as it is, one new thing I've decided to try, is what you're reading this very second. Blogging. So, please bear with me as I perfect my words, my thoughts, insights and dreams for you to read. Alot is changing in my life, so I'm pretty sure I'll have plenty to talk about. If not a single soul never lays eyes on this except me, I'll still write. I might not write as well as some of you, but write I shall. I have so much pent up inside of me, I need to release it... Till then...


XoXo CB